I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There's even glitter on my cock...
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