She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
