2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
