She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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