Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
my liver is dry heaving
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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