Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
