Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
