I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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