I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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