I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
