It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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