remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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