I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
