Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
