Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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