TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
