dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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