i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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