I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
