I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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