Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
