My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
