ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Randomize
