How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
