It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
