I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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