if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
