I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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