I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
