I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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