ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
