Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
