did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
