i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
