Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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