we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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