I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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