Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I could make wine with my vomit
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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