I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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