i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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