Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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