So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
