More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
