Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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