The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
