fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
