all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How external is "for external use only"?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
