marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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