im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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