I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
