i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
